Im letting it all out. well some of it, kinda-ish.

Dramatic emoness starts right here, so run while you still can

*****

Its been a month and a half since.

Where did time go?

It seems like it was just yesterday.

I still can't accept what happened because really,

How can it happen?

I remember that one time when i came back from visiting atuk's and mum's graves,

and i told a friend,

I can't lose anyone else. I've lost too many people already.

and then it happened.

I'd think hey, is god punishing me?

am I really that bad of a person?

cause seriously if i am, do tell me

before someone else gets taken away from me.

Sometimes I feel maybe i do deserve all this pain

because I wasn't a good enough daughter for not taking your sickness seriously.

I was so mad when you were sick

even though I knew its not your fault, you couldn't help it

Should you have gone for the surgery i keep thinking

cause maybe that could have avoided it

But truth be told, the only reason I was mad because

I didn't want to lose you like how I lost mum.

I think now if i could just stop being mad

I could've used that time and spend happy moments with you.

Sometimes i feel guilty because I forget that you're not here anymore.

But then I get reminded when i pass your empty bedroom every single time i go to mine

And switching off you bedroom lights every night is probably the hardest thing I have to do

because it reminds me you're not there anymore.

And then that one day, i was talking to your friend and he said the week before when you called him you said something

you told him you don't think that you'd be alive much longer

that's what atuk always said when he was in his last days

I guess you knew it was going to happen soon

But I didn't

and i don't know what would have been worst

To know or not to know?

The only good thing in this pile of crap is that you no longer suffer

But now its my turn.

Because im not ready for this

Whose gonna care about me anymore?

Whose gonne be proud of me anymore?

Most of the things I do and avoid doing was so you would be proud of me

Because after mum passed, it was probably the worst thing that could ever happen

So I tried my best to make you as proud as I can so you'll know that there's still something in life that can probably make you happy

I had to put in the effort to pull our family together thru thick and thin

 But I don't think i'v done enough.

I honestly don't know how i can ever move on from this.

I'll always remember you and miss you

and most importantly

I'll always love you

At least you're up there with mum and atuk now

*******

Dramatic emoness ends.