Its a light up fan! HOW COOL IS THAT?

Hey thanks Charissa for my new toy!

What do you want to do when you graduate?

That's the one question i dread in conversations

when really I myself dread when I ask myself the same question

Honest to god, I don't know. I really don't

The prospect of working for the rest of my life after graduating is one thing

thinking about what I wanna do is another.

I want to be able to enjoy my work, not dread it when i wake up every morning

but life isn't that simple. 

After paying the bills today (and mopped, vacuum the house, picked up dry cleaners & do the laundry, damn i feel like a housewife already. My husband is going to be lucky. cheyyy)

anyways after paying the bills i realize damn someone in this house needs to get a job.

seems that i can't really be choosy when it comes to getting a job

because the important thing right now is for me to survive and not really for a somesort of job satisfaction

thing is i need to work extra hard now to keep the house

repairs are one thing, keeping it clean is another

i need to prove to everyone else i'm capable of taking care of this house

cuz moving out for me is really not an option, not for now at least

back to figuring out what i wanna do,

i'd probably love if i could be some sort of a designer or some kind

probably design a magazine

because secretly i kinda enjoyed publication design =]

but the one thing i hate is all the pressure

i hate it when i've got to design something on the spot

im the type of person who sits back, listen to some music, go thru websites for some inspiration

and at the same time when i look at all the other talent out there, and then i look and the stuff i do

i think noob much?
and then i think maybe if i took a specialized course instead
i'd probably wouldn't have this problem

i can't be choosy at this point

but im still trying to find that thing

the thing that i wanna do for the rest of my life thing

its back to laying on the bed, rolling around and thinking

what do i want to do when i graduate?

Everyone I know goes away in the end

 I forgot how this song used to hit home.

Langkawi was a great getaway.

I was spoiled silly by my family

and I spoiled myself a little really.

I felt guilty, but then again I freakin deserve it

after what i've been through and what i will go through when i get back

and when i did come home, all that crappy feeling just came back

and there is so much crap i need to do which i was able to avoid when i've got classes

now that i don't. i gotta face it and do my time.

Sometimes I find myself thinking oh hey wonder where's dad?

then i'd realize it and then it just sucks.

Sitting at home doing nothing is really not the best way to go

When you've got nothing to do, you start thinking, feeling and then hurting.

Sometimes I feel my life is like a snow globe

Its happy and calm at one moment

and then the next its like a blizzard hits you

Sometimes I'd think if God ended my life right now, he would be doing me a favor.

Then I'd take a step back and ask myself, how can I think something like that?

And then oh yeah, cause I'm emo that way.

But I know its not a favor he would grant, because it'll just be too easy.

I need to fight through this.

Some help would be nice.

and some sort of pain-numbing too.

yeap, that's the best i could do with a tablet pc.